You know what's great about the show Dora the Explorer? Nothing. Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. Sure, she's a normal-sized (ignoring her ginormous head), bilingual Latina, much like my own daughter, but that is totally obliterated by her vacant stare, insipid voice, and let's be perfectly honest here, total stupidity. Why do I have to help her with EVERYTHING? More importantly, why does my 2-year-old have to help her find a freaking rock 6 inches behind her? It's like she doesn't have peripheral vision. And does anyone else find it disturbing that she's wearing a belly shirt? There's about 2 inches of skin showing. Isn't she like 7 years old? Well, why am I surprised - she clearly has no parental supervision since she spends most days exploring the wilderness with a coked-up backpack and a scrap of omniscient paper and the dumbest TV monkey since BJ and the Bear. Don't get me started on Boots. Oops, too late...why do you wear winter boots in the middle of the rain forest? And since they made him a talking monkey, why doesn't he speak Spanish? I don't care what the neo-conservative nuts say, clearly Dora lives in some Central/South American country (and is NOT an illegal alien), so why doesn't Boots speak Spanish AT ALL? Why do I constantly have to tell him that abrir means open and brinco means jump? I'd like to fill Dora's backpack with rocks and drop her and Boots into the closest Gooey Geyser, which are evidently threatening the South American rain forest with gushes of gum and trapping every idiot cow (BENNY) who walks within 6 feet of them. Oh and by the way, I know what goo is - Piper knows what goo is - and even if we didn't, saying "gooey goo" or "windy wind" doesn't define the terms. It's just repetition, which makes sense for a show that has its talking Map literally repeat NINE TIMES the 3-step path that bumbling Dora and Boots are going to take that day, which after watching it twice I realized always involves a bridge, mountain, lake and again, a geyser. But what gets me most of all - really, what makes me have to leave the room - is The Grumpy Old Troll. Here's the setup for you lucky bastards who haven't watched the show - he's a troll, he's grumpy, half-dressed and he lives under a bridge. Sound like any serial killers you know? What really gets me though is that you have to answer his "riddle" or he won't let you cross the bridge. Riddle? RIDDLE? Asking Piper to count the stars in the sky is not a riddle. Asking her to make a funny face is not a riddle. Asking her how to say Happy Birthday is Spanish is not a riddle. A riddle is an enigma, a conundrum, a goddamn puzzle not a question. Just replace the word "riddle" in the script with the word "question" and I am like 50% closer to not hating the show. I'd be even closer if they'd stop emphaszing how terrifying rain and thunder is and therefore completely solidifying my kid's current #1 fear.
I'm sorry, I realize this post isn't really about Piper. She's nuts for Dowa and Boots. It's mostly just to get this really burning hatred off my chest, so that I can sit with Piper most evenings and watch Dowa for 23 long minutes without having my head explode. So, this has helped and I'll go back to sitting with P and helping Dora and Boots make their intrepid journey through the rain forest to get to the yellow valley and help Benny get rid of his hiccups. Thanks.
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